My arms ache, the kind of ache that only comes from being over tired and over worked. Bustling about all day in the leaves, raking, and prepping for the upcoming Halloween adventures. Stress from the night’s homework is taking its toll on my mind and my heart and lack of any sort of substantial nourishment is dragging my energy low. My heart is heavy as I realize today is October 1st, and three days from now is the anniversary of my sister’s death.
I sit here thinking in my tiny space, cluttered, where I’ve tried to fit a house into a room that is only meant for a bed and dresser. It is my fault of course (I have a lot of stuff). I think about my future and my plans. Plans always go awry I’ve noticed. Yet, that doesn’t stop me from making them. I can’t seem to live without a plan, a purpose, a road forward. Without one and I’d be crumbled up in my bed rarely coming out to see the day. I’d be crying all the time and wondering what is the point of life? I still wonder that now, but it doesn’t monopolize my day.
That is why it is so unsettling for me when my plans go astray. Librarian, freelance writer, creative writer, what will I be? Who will I be? What is the best choice for me? I wish I had the answers, but only time will tell. I have the dreams, but a dream is not enough. Hard core, solid, fact finding answers are the kind I need tonight. The kind that lets me keep dreaming.
What kind of things keep you up at night?