Fall is here, but this 90 degree weather says otherwise and I spent this weekend with an amazing group of people saying goodbye to summer and hello to fall. Bonfires, s’mores, bike riding, hiking, tractor rides, and board games were all a part of this weekend’s activities. Young and old alike joined in on the fun making this a fantastic way to say goodbye to the season.
Now that the weekend is ending, I am a filled with dreams of tiny travel trailers to pull behind my little VW Beetle and then my dreams expand including scooters to ride around the trails, all dreams so I can fully participate in the camping experience up here! It’s amazing this place we live, and Michigan is one place where you certainly learn to appreciate the wonders of the outdoors with all it’s glory. I am even dreaming of RVs, or more specifically the RUVs by Thor Motor Coach, as a potential future way of life!
Home and family are at the forefront of my thoughts these days as we dive right into the fall season. Pumpkin spiced lattes, apple scented candles, and roasted squash on the dinner table all let me know the season has started. Fall is my favorite season, and yet also the most difficult as the anniversary for my sister’s death is just around the corner. Nostalgia for wishing things could have been different sets in, as well as shock at how far we have come as a family since then and how our family has changed. It amazes me the different forms your grief can take, and lately it has left me more nostalgic then anything.
Today I realized that the changes in my own life since her loss were not just necessary, but were desired before I knew it, bringing me closer to my family again and allowing me to share in their lives in a way that living hundreds of miles away would not have allowed in the past. This change alone has brought me both a necessary peace to be able to be around when needed, and a satisfaction in watching everyone’s lives come together again as we struggled (and still struggle) through our grief and just finding our paths through life.
There have been other changes in my life due to her loss, more obvious changes to my readers, the most notable being my change in career. I’ve been uncertain for so long and it has taken me nearly 3 years to decide exactly what I want to do with my life in the future as the past career no longer felt satisfying after my sister’s loss. I needed more, and as I’ve told you I finally decided I have a strong desire to work in a library. Surrounded by books, as I like to think my sister is, I think I could finally find some peace in my life.
My outlook on living has changed as well, from always wanting “bigger” and “better” to preferring “smaller” and “simple.” For example, I used to prefer the Keurig, and now I would prefer to just buy the $12 percolator coffee pot, because not only is the coffee pot cheaper – so is the coffee. I suppose you could say, I am a little more frugal knowing that in my future I desire to live off of less then I used to.
What is especially curious to me is that many of the philosophies I’ve adopted since my sister’s loss were actual beliefs of hers. Things that I knew she felt strongly about. I know that I may be choosing to go about honoring those beliefs in a different manner than she would, but at our core our beliefs are the same now. There are times where I have the weird feeling that when she lost her life, I lost my identity, or at least my identity as it related to being her sibling. Sometimes I wonder if I found my identity by sharing in the things my sister loved and believed in.
Anyway enough for now, I hope you all enjoy your fall, and get your last summer hurrahs in as we have. I wish you all sweet dreams of campers and s’mores!